"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same". Oscar Wilde
Once the hassle of the overhyped Christmas is over, the men of the Earth can happily return to the routine that fills the gap between birth and death. But before you can say, “do you still have the receipt?” that day that every man dreads comes around all too soon. You can’t avoid it, for everywhere you turn; the dreaded pink heart shapes of emotional blackmail start popping up… What day I hear cry? Yep you guessed it. It’s Valentine’s Day fuckers…
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| Don't drink and fly kids. |
When men rule the Earth again (real bearded, Viking looking, hair on your palms and eyeballs type men), what was once called Valentine’s Day will be a day far more beer and meat orientated and less emotionally crippling for the weak willed. When we were cavemen, a heartfelt act would be killing a sabre tooth. When the Vikings came, a day celebrating love was punishable by death. Nowadays it’s all about the love (damn you hippies).
If there was one day of the year that all men wish would they could hibernate for 24 hours, it would be this one. Why? Because get it wrong and you may as well get your mother-in-laws cat and wipe it on your arse whilst chanting verses from Justin Bieber’s Autobiography. (On a sidenote, how on Earth does that kid have a biography already? “What would you say are the highlights of your career Justin?” I use career extremely loosely “Umm…puberty?”) Forget this day and you will find it very difficult to live down and will inevitably lose every battle with your spouse until the day you decide that that WD40 in the shed should be drunk before it goes off.
Then of course there are those who have yet to delve into the world of relationships. As if everyday wasn’t enough of a struggle to not throw the toaster in with you whilst in the bath to cure the crippling loneliness, the evil companies of today (yes I’m looking at you Costa and no I don’t want a heart shaped biscuit with my Mocha Frappuccino, I make my own at home using my tears as the secret ingredient) continue to press the idea of love and companionship so far into our retina that each time you blink you will be able to see a teddy bear holding a heart. Bring on the DIY laser eye surgery.
But fret not, for there is an incentive. At this time of year, for no apparent reason (scientists believe it may be lunar activity) the female specie of the Earth feel slightly gooier on the inside and therefore this day can be put on par with that of a birthday. Yes reader you guessed it, milk the cow in the right way and you are sure for a bit of rough and tumble.
Go forth and make the most of what surprisingly falls in favour of the male specie. But for the love of –insert religious figure here- don’t start with card linked below…
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